if you rip out my headphones while im listening to music because you think its funny i will personally escort you to the gates of hell
“I’ve lost weight” I announced.
Everyone congratulated me.
But Weight was the name of my son.
holy fuck we have our windows open and we heard a blood curling scream so naturally I went to look out the window because wow is someone getting stabbed?? and it is just my neighbour on his knees staring at a KFC chicken bucket spilt all over his driveway
- my stomach in an exam: this next one is an old traditional song i learnt as a kid